BSH is a peer driven professionally facilitated support group for friends and family who have a loved one taken by murder.
BSH is a peer driven professionally facilitated support group for friends and family who have a loved one taken by murder.
Fear, anger, confusion and frustration are all common experiences of crime victims. If you are having reactions such as these, you are not alone. Please feel free to join us anytime at group. There is no fee to attend.
We meet the 1st and 3rd Wednesdays of each month from 6:30 to 8:30pm at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church as well as online via Zoom.
Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church, 1655 Peel Ave, Orlando, Florida 32806, United States
Phone: 407-221-8845
Your support and contributions will enable us to meet our goals and fund our mission to help the family and friends of homicide victims.
I thought recovering from being struck by a Jeep and reconstructing my life after a coma would be the most difficult thing I’d ever experience. Three years later, when Sasha passed, I learned that I had no idea what difficulty was. Later, I was accused of making her death about me. While I’m fully aware that her suffering was far worse than anything I have on my plate, I won’t deny that the grief from losing my younger sister to rape and murder absolutely is about me. That’s how grief works.
I've always found nature to be more therapeutic than anything modern society offers. Many characters in classical literature, and religious figures in theological texts, achieve personal and spiritual growth after embarking on an arduous pilgrimage. I wouldn’t presume to compare my specific goal to the likes of Bilbo, Dante, Mohammed, Jesus, Moses, or Odysseus, but these archetypes are meant to inspire. So I decided to hike the Appalachian Trail. After seeing the ugliness that took Sasha away, I'm looking for experiences that will remind me there's a worthwhile beauty in this world.
Some think this is an inspirational endeavor worth sharing. So instead of passively watching mainstream media use Sasha’s face and name to feed society’s morbid fascination with true-crime murder stories, I want actively to redirect some of that attention to something more worthwhile than TV ratings.
I’ve found a support group where sympathy doesn’t run dry. The Bereaved Survivors of Homicide (BSH) is where I find empathy and understanding. Because BSH benefits my mental health and emotional well-being, I became a board member to help others navigate similar traumatic circumstances. Returning to school or work can be difficult after a loved one is murdered. Random, unexpected bouts of despair and rage are not conducive to being productive students or employees. Studies suggest that most survivors typically don’t even begin healing until 3-5 years later. BSH works to alleviate these difficulties when no other resources are readily available.
BSH could use our help. Sasha was born on the 4th of July. So, I’m asking for $4 donations using the link above. If enough people donated the cost of a fancy cup of coffee, it would make a huge difference in allowing BSH to continue serving people that are having difficulty establishing a ‘new normal.’
I’m not holding onto this pain by choice. It’s here to stay.
Instead of wallowing in it, I’m doing something good with it.
Certain lemons will always be in my basket.
Please help me make some lemonade.
FREE COUNSELING FOR ALL VICTIMS OF ANY CRIME.
The group is facilitated by a licensed mental health professional. All meetings are confidential. Family and friends are welcome. Meeting place is handicapped accessible.
Additional Resources:
Orange County Sheriff's Office Victim Advocates 407-254-7248
A Stable Life Counseling Center (Pamela Bailey, M.A., LMHC, NCC) 407-221-8845
Individual counseling: Three visits with Ms. Pam Bailey. There are no charges for these appointments.
BSH, Inc. ("Bereaved Survivors of Homicide") is a nonprofit organization (501.c.3) founded in 1991 with the goal of helping the families, friends, and colleagues of victims of murder.
Supported by a grant awarded by the Office for Victims of Crime, Office of Justice Programs. Sponsored by the Orange County Sheriff’s Office, the Bereaved Survivors of Homicide, and the State of Florida.
BSH, Inc. ("Bereaved Survivors of Homicide" o Sobrevivientes de Homicidio en Luto) es una organizacion con fines-no-lucrativos (501.c.3) fundada en 1991 con el objectivo de ayudar a las familias, amigos y colegas de las personas vitimas de asesinato a: 1. Ganar control sobre sus vidas; para, una vez mas, obtener un sentido de poder 2. Aprender a incorporar el asesinato dentro de sus mentes 3. Prover un ambiente de apoio donde los sobrevivientes se sientan libres de expresar cualquiera emocion 4. Trabajar el proceso del duelo y obtener la reconstruccion de sus vidas 5. Entender la estrutura y proposito de los sistemas adjuntos (por ejemplo: la policia, justicia criminal, examinador de justicia, salud mental) BSH oferece un grupo de apoio, liderado por una persona licensiada en salud mental, Ms. Pamela Bailey, M.A., LMHC, y una persona que hace el apoio a las vitimas de la oficina de la Policia del Condado de Orlando (OCSO), que se reune el primer y tercer Miercoles de cada mes, de las 6:30 pm en la iglesia Presbiteriana Grace Covenant, 1655 Peel Ave., Orlando, Fl. 32806. Este grupo es en Ingles. Para mas informaciones, llame al 407-221-8845 o 407-254-7248.
Consejeria individual y familiar gratis
Se puede obtener consejeria individual y/o de familia en Ingles o Español. Esta consejeria es posible atraves del Programa de Compensacion a las Vitimas o de la beca “Victim Of Crime Act” grant. Para aquellos que hablen ingles, favor de llamar a Ms. Bailey al 407-221-8845. Para los que hablen español, portugues ,o frances, a la senora Rosario Ortigao, al 407-628-1009.
EMERGENCY: 911
BEREAVED SURVIVORS OF HOMICIDE: 407-254-7000 or 407-221-8845
CHILDREN & FAMILIES ABUSE LINE: 800-962-2873
LAKESIDE BEHAVIORAL HEALTHCARE: 407-875-3700
FLORIDA DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE: 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY)
ORANGE COUNTY SHERIFF'S VICTIM ADVOCATES: 407-254-7000 or 407-254-7248
NEW HOPE COUNSELING CENTER FOR GRIEVING CHILDREN: 407-599-0909
A STABLE LIFE COUNSELING CENTER: 407-221-8845
STATE ATTORNEY'S OFFICE: 407-836-2400
MADD: 407-831-6233
LIFELINE OF CENTRAL FLORIDA: 407-425-2624
PLEASE NOTE: Counseling for homicide survivors and crime victims is a portion of the VOCA grant.
NATIONAL NUMBERS:
NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR VICTIM ASSISTANCE: 800-TRY-NOVA
NATIONAL CENTER FOR THE VICTIMS OF CRIME: 202-467-8700
Crime Victims' Rights
Community Resources
You, as a victim of a crime, are entitled to the following rights:
There are other rights legislated for victims. You may call the Attorney General's Office at 850-414-3300 or 800-226-6667 for a complete list of Bill of Rights.
Your Rights in Relation to Domestic Violence
Under F.S.S. 741.28,Domestic Violence is defined as any assault, battery, sexual assault, sexual battery, or any criminal offense resulting in physical injury or death of one family or household member by another, who is or was residing in the same single dwelling unit.
"Family or household member" means spouse, former spouse, persons related by blood or marriage, persons who are presently residing together, as if a family, or who have resided together in the past, as if a family, and persons who have a child in common regardless of whether they have been married or have resided together at any time.
If you have been abused physically or sexually, or if you have reason to fear that you may become a victim of Domestic Violence, this law enables you to file for a Petition for Injunction through a judge to stop the abuse.
The paper to start this process is called a Petition for Injunction for Protection Against Domestic Violence. This explains your situation to the judge and tells the court from whom you need protection.
To file for an injunction, you must go in person to the Orange County Court House at 425 N.Orange Ave, Orlando. There you will be assisted in completing the proper forms by the Domestic Relations Division of the Clerk of the Court.
Restraining Order Procedures: Also known as Injunctions or Order of Protection
A domestic violence restraining order is a court document which states that a particular person must not have contact with another person.
You may petition for a restraining order if you meet the requirements, and have recently been the victim of abuse and/or threat of abuse by the abuser.
To file for a restraining order, you must go in person to the Orange County Courthouse at 425 N. Orange Avenue #520, Orlando. A Harbor House representative will assist you in completing the form and statements. In Orange County, the Sheriff'shas a Domestic Office Service Violence Squad that can assist you. Please call 407-724-7000.
Do's
Dont's
Copyright, 1979, Reprinted with Permission
Lee Schmidt, Parent Bereavement Outreach, Santa Monica, California
The Compassionate Friends, P.O. Box 1347, Oak Brook. IL 60521
Caveats about Children
A. Regression
B. Double Loss
C. Live in Present
D. Growth
E. Change
II. Developmental Stages of the Child
A. Birth - 2 Years
1. Language capability: pre-verbal.
2. Communication mode: physical activity.
3. Thought processes: distinguishes self from others and other things.
4. Growth emphasis: sensory perception and response.
5. Primary need: physical human contact for reassurance.
6. Primary relationship: with caretaker's).
B. 2 Years - 6 Years: Pre-School
1. Language capability: development of language/verbal expression.
2. Communication mode: expression of feelings primarily through play, but communication of needs often through words.
3. Thought processes:
Pre-conceptual thinking but engages in primitive problem solving.
Active imagination but grounded in reality - fantasies are about things similar to those they have experienced.
Minimal concept of time and space.
Inability to concentrate on any one thing for more than a few minutes.
4. Growth emphasis: physical independence; dressing, feeding, and washing self.
5. Primary need: need for nurturing.
"Who will take care of me?"
Wants structure and security.
6. Primary relationship: with family.
C. 6 Years -10 Years: School Age
1. Language capability: language well developed.
2. Communication mode: Still uses play for primary expression but supplements play with emotive language.
3. Thought processes:
Uses problem solving techniques but also trial and error approach to problems.
Understands time and space concepts.
Strong orientation to the present but has some sense of future and past.
Makes choices.
4. Growth emphasis: toward independence in establishing new relationships; exploring new environments.
5. Primary need: trust.
6. Primary relationship: still family but movement toward establishing strong peer relationships.
D. 10 Years - 12 Years: girls pre-adolescence, 12 Years -14 Years: boys pre-adolescence
1. Language capability: Language may be more advanced than concepts.
2. Communication mode:"acting out" is common form of expression; poetry developing.
3. Thought processes:
Prone to extreme feelings and idealized emotions or life styles.
Judgmental about the world and self.
Thoughts become integrated with feelings and engender beliefs, biases, and prejudices.
4. Growth emphasis:
Towards emotional independence: involves swings back and forth from childlike states to imitations of adult life.
Growth of sexuality and concern with sexual identities.
Emotional turmoil heightened by physical changes.
5. Primary need: support and self-esteem.
6. Primary relationship: back and forth from family to peers.
E. 12/14 Years - Adult
1. Language capability:uses and creates language to express self.
2. Communication modes: Drama and physical activity is preferred recreation since it provides a socially accepted way of acting out feelings; poetry still intense.
3. Thought processes:
Understands "cause and effect."
Can consider possibilities and explore options without experiencing them.
Judgmental about everything - sees things in black and white.
Can conceive of future activities but does not think of future in terms of self - the Peter Pan dream.
Prone to taking irresponsible risks and failing to think through the consequences of actions.
Reflection on symbols and possibilities.
Development of critical faculties.
Emotional turmoil may include periods of depression and euphoria.
4. Growth emphasis: independence from adult world - particular target of conflict is usually parents.
Ego-orientation and self-centeredness.
Feels strong need for privacy and secrecy.
Body and sexual image is highly important.
Sense of immortality.
Creation of dance, style,world.
5. Primary need: stability, limits and security.
6. Primary relationship: with peers.
Child Reactions To Trauma
A. Overview
Children's reaction to a trauma will involve not only the impact of the catastrophe on their lives (what they saw, heard, felt, smelled and so on) but a sense of crisis over their parents' reactions. The presence or absence of parents and terror over a frightening situation - one that has rendered the children's parents helpless - all contribute to children's distress.
"A central theme that merges from exploration of children's responses to disaster situations is that, in a way that is not generally appreciated, they, too, experience fear of death and destruction... Particularly influential in the young child's experience are the presence or absence of his parents and the terror of overwhelming physical forces that seem to render the 'all powerful' adult parents frightened and powerless."
B. Birth - 2 Years
1.High anxiety levels manifested in crying, biting, throwing objects, thumbsucking, and agitated behavior.
2. While it is unlikely that the child will retain a strong mental memory of the trauma, the child may retain a physical memory.
C. 2 Years - 6 Years: pre-school
1.Children may not have the same level of denial as do adults so they take in the catastrophe more swiftly.
2. Engage in reenactments and play about the traumatic event - sometimes to the distress of parents or adults.
3. Anxious attachment behaviors are exhibited toward caretakers - may include physically holding onto adults; not wanting to sleep alone; wanting to be held.
4. May become mute, withdrawn and still.
5. Manifest a short"sadness span" but repeat sadness periods over and over.
6. Regress in physical independence - may refuse to dress, feed, or wash self; may forget toilet training; may wet bed.
7. Sleep disturbances,particularly nightmares are common.
8. Any change in daily routines may be seen as threatening.
9. Does not understand death (no one does) and its permanency reaction to death may include anger and a feeling of rejection.
D. 6 Years -10 Years: School age
1. Play continues to be the primary method of expression. Often art, drawing, dance or music may be integrated in the play.
2. The sense of loss and injury may intrude on the concentration of the child in school.
3. Radical changes in behavior may result - the normally quiet child becoming active and noisy; the normally active child becoming lethargic.
4. May fantasize about event with "savior" ending.
5. Withdrawal of trust from adults.
6. May become tentative in growth towards independence.
7. Internal body dysfunctions are normal - headaches, stomach aches, dizziness.
8. May have increasing difficulty in controlling their behaviors.
9. May regress to previous development stages.
E. 10 Years - 12 Years: girls 'pre-adolescence, 12 Years - 14 Years: boys' pre-adolescence
1. Become more childlike in attitude.
2. May be very angry at unfairness of the disaster.
3. May manifest euphoria and excitement at survival.
4. See symbolic meaning to pre-disaster events as omens and assign symbolic reasons to post-disaster survival.
5. Often suppress thoughts and feelings to avoid confronting the disaster.
6. May be self-judgmental about their own behavior.
7. May have a sense of foreshortened future.
8. May have a sense of meaninglessness or purposelessness of existence.
9. Psychosomatic illnesses may manifest themselves.
F. 12/14 Years - 18 Years
1. Adolescents most resemble adult post-traumatic stress reactions.
2. May feel anger, shame, betrayal and act out their frustration through rebellious acts in school.
3. May opt to move into adult world as soon as possible - to get away from the sense of disaster and to establish control over their environment.
4. Judgmental about their own behavior and the behavior of others.
5. Their survival may contribute to the sense of immortality.
6. They are often suspicious and guarded in their reaction to others in the aftermath.
7. Eating and sleeping disorders are common.
8. Depression and anomie may plague the adolescent.
9. May lose impulse control and become a threat to other family members and him/herself.
10. Alcohol and drug abuse may be a problem as a result of the perceived meaninglessness of the world.
11. Fear that the disaster or tragedy will repeat itself adds to the sense of a foreshortened future.
12. May have psychosomatic illnesses.
Coping Strategies for Children
A. Rebuild and reaffirm attachments and relationships. Love and care in the family is a primary need. Extra time should be spent with children to let them know that someone will take care of them and, if parents are survivors, that their parents have reassumed their former role as protector and nurturer is important. Physical closeness is needed.
B. It is important to talk to children about the tragedy - to address the irrationality and suddenness of disaster. Children need to be allowed to ventilate their feelings, as do adults, and they have a similar need to have those feelings validated.Reenactments and play about the catastrophe should be encouraged. It may be useful to provide them with special time to paint, draw, or write about the event. Adults or older children may help pre-school children reenact the event since pre-school children may not be able to imagine alternative "endings" to the disaster and hence may feel particularly helpless.
C. Parents should be prepared to tolerate regressive behaviors and accept the manifestation of aggression and anger especially in the early phases after the tragedy.
D. Parents should be prepared for children to talk sporadically about the event -spending small segments of time concentrating on particular aspects of the tragedy.
E. Children want as much factual information as possible and should be allowed to discuss their own theories about what happened in order for them to begin to master the trauma or to reassert control over their environment.
F. Since children are often reluctant to initiate conversations about trauma, it may be helpful to ask them what they think other children felt or thought about the event.
G. Reaffirming the future and talking in "hopeful" terms about future events can help a child rebuild trust and faith in his own future and the world. Often parental despair interferes with a child's ability to recover.
H. Issues of death should be addressed concretely.
Tears of Rage by John Walsh and Susan Schindehette
In this aptly titled book, John Walsh traces the steps that led him from being a grieving father to becoming a grieving father who hosts TV's America's Most Wanted, the Fox true-crime show that hunts down bad guys every week through a toll-free tip line. Walsh, however, seems ambivalent about the fame he's been granted. He presents a somewhat halting, uncertain narrative in this autobiography (cowritten with Susan Schindehette), and he makes it clear all the way through that his life is really only driven by one thing: the still-unsolved 1981 abduction and murder of his 6-year-old son, Adam. Walsh's anger and frustration over a "bumbling" police investigation of his son's murder is evident throughout. According to Walsh, the Hollywood, Florida, Police Department should have arrested a drifter named Ottis Toole--a convicted serial killer who played sidekick for many years to the notorious killer Henry Lee Lucas. Walsh speculates that the police had "formed their own ideas" about who killed Adam and didn't want to believe Toole could have been responsible. But Walsh is convinced, and he presents a large amount of evidence to support his case. Unfortunately, it's too late: Ottis Toole died several years ago in prison.
A Grief Like No Other by Kathleen O'Hara
A Grief Like No Other is the book no one wants to ever have to buy; sadly, many people continue to need it. From 9/11 to Cindy Sheehan's son – from mass tragedies like the recent London bombings to Law and Order type crimes that make the news only to be replaced by another name. As such, more people are left with the aftermath of dealing with the violent death of a loved one. It brings its own special brand of grieving since victim’s families can spend years dealing with legal ramifications, guilt, and a myriad of other circumstances that don’t accompany “normal” deaths. Kathleen O’Hara knows both sides of this coin. As a therapist, she has counseled hundreds of people dealing with grief. As a mother, she saw her worst fears realized when her college-aged son was brutally murdered in 1999. In the aftermath of Aaron’s murder, O’Hara developed the seven stage journey that is at the heart of A Grief Like No Other. Although this is a book for those left behind in the aftermath of violence, it offers concrete and practical steps and stages, allowing family and friends safe passage through this incredibly harrowing journey.
What To Do When The Police Leave by Bill Jenkin
Bob Wallace, Chief of Police Magazine Only someone who has experienced personal tragedy could be so effective in providing this kind of support and guidance. Jean Lewis, Parents of Murdered Children, Inc. A needed and invaluable source of practical, insightful information for both survivors ... and the professionals who work with them.
When God Doesn't Make Sense by Dr. James Dobson
An immensely practical book for those who are struggling with trials and heartaches they can’t understand. Why does disease, natural disaster, divorce, rejection, death, or some other sorrow seep into our lives when we are trying to serve the Lord? It just doesn’t seem fair! This book deals unflinchingly with life’s most troubling question—the awesome “Why?” Drawing on his long experience as a Christian psychologist and family counselor, Dr. Dobson brings hope to those who have almost given up. When God Doesn’t Make Sense also helps believers avoid the “betrayal barrier”—the sense that God is abandoning them amid the storms of life.
Recovering From The Loss of a Child by Katherine Donnelly
When a child dies, the pain and shock can seem unbearable. But in sharing, understanding, and accepting this tragic loss, emotional recovery is possible. Katherine Fair Donnelly's groundbreaking book shows bereaved parents, siblings, and others how to cope with one of life's cruelest blows. With inspiring firsthand accounts from others who have survived this heartbreaking experience, this compassionate and reassuring volume can help in healing the heart—and learning to live again.
Aftermath, In the Wake of Murder
Reader review: "This book validates our feelings as well as helps us cope with the "new life" we are driven into after a loved one's murder. I encourage every survivor to read this book as well as anyone who knows a murder victim survivor. Although the book is written for survivors, it will help others understand what we are going through."
A Journey Through Grief
Dr. Alla Rene Bozarth is an award-winning poet, Gestalt therapist, and Episcopal priest. She is the author of twenty-eight titles of prose books, poetry collections and audiotapes, including Hazelden's Life is Goodbye/Life is Hello and A Journey Through Grief, as well as Stars in Your Bones, Soulfire, Lifelines, Wisdom and Wonderment, and WomanPriest.Dr. Bozarth holds degrees in performing arts from Northwestern University and a certificate in Gestalt psychotherapy from the Gestalt Training Center of San Diego.Currently she lives near Mt. Hood in western Oregon, where she is the director of Wisdom House, a center for healing and spirituality.
How to go on living when someone you love dies
"Dr. Rando's book should help anyone who has survived the pain of this kind of loss and is trying to adjust to a new world without his loved one."--Art Linkletter
Weeding Out The Tears by Jeanne White with Susan Dworkin
Someone you love has been murdered or was killed by a drunk or reckless driver. It is an understatement to say that your life has been changed. Your anger and pain are deep and it will take a great deal of hard work and time to recover. You may never feel as if you have "recovered". However, many people who have been in your situation learn to "manage their grief." You will need time, determination, and often, the support of a caring listener.
The feelings you experience are likely to be very difficult and foreign for you but most likely they will be similar to what others have felt. This information was written for you by counselors from Polk County Florida Victim Services who work with survivors and with help from people who have lived through the loss of a loved one to homicide.
The Most Common Feelings of Grief
Shock
In the beginning most people feel a profound numbness. Some liken it to "being in a fog". It may be this fog that allows you to accomplish the necessary arrangements for the funeral and other duties.
Turmoil
When the fog clears, most people's emotions fall into turmoil. You may have flashbacks of the moment you were notified of the death or of the last time you saw your loved one alive. You may dream of your loved one or believe that he or she will soon "walk through that door". Part of you will deny that your loved one really is dead.
You may experience many grief spasms at first, crying as if you couldn't stop. The spasms gradually will come further apart. You may have panic attacks and feel afraid for your life or the lives of other family members. You may be filled with restlessness and unable to concentrate on anything. You may be unable to sleep at night or find it very hard to get out of bed in the morning.
As the reality of death sinks in, depression usually is not far behind. The world may seem to lose its meaning for you. Activities that you once enjoyed may seem like a burden. You may feel as if there is little point in going on or you may want to withdraw from everyone.
During all of these emotions and phases, you might find it helpful to keep talking with someone you can trust and with someone who will listen with a non-judgmental ear. It may be the only way to keep from getting stuck in one of the phases.
Searching for Understanding
You will probably experience a great need to understand why this tragedy happened. In your search for understanding, you may feel the need to know everything there is to know about what happened, where it happened, and who did it. If someone is arrested, you may want to know as much as you can find out about that person or persons.
You may expect the criminal justice system to work more quickly and keep you informed better than it does.
Rumors and opinions of many people may come your way concerning the crime, the motivation and the criminal. You may decide to attend the trial, if there is one, as part of your search for why this happened. Often times you will not find answers to all of your questions.
Note: If a survivor is a witness at the trial, he or she could be barred from attending the remainder of the trial if the witnesses are sequestered.You can ask the State Attorney's Office for information on this.
Guilt
Each survivor lives with "what-ifs". "Why did I let her go home alone?" "What if I had been there with him?" These are normal reactions. Please remember that no one can predict the future or recreate what might have been. We can't change the events that took place and to continue blaming ourselves will only be destructive.
Anger
Anger can be both frightening and motivating. Sometimes it may feel as if anger will overwhelm you. It may be directed at the murderer, society, the criminal justice system, family members or friends. It is not uncommon to be angry at God. Many people feel guilty about their anger but it is a completely normal feeling that many people experience.
Anger may immobilize you or move you to relentless activity. It is a natural reaction to severe loss. Your anger will never completely go away. With time and support your anger can be managed and may even contribute to helping you gain back some control in your life.
Revenge
For the first time in their lives many survivors find themselves thinking of ways to kill another human being, the killer. Understandably, some people are deeply disturbed by this emotion. You may wonder if you are losing your mind. You aren't. You are normal. Counselors of survivors find that almost every person they work with thinks about revenge. Having these feelings does not mean you are going to act on them.
Some people will tell you that wanting revenge is unhealthy and that the only way you can find peace is to forgive. If forgiveness is in your heart, fine, but do not allow people to place unnecessary guilt on you. Chances are they have never been through what you are experiencing.
Coping With the Reactions of Others
Each of us is an individual. We like different foods, wear different clothing and choose unique lifestyles. It stands to reason that at the most painful time in our lives, we would also grieve in our own way. How we choose to grieve is determined by three things - our personal view of death, how society views death and our own individual personalities.
Family
When a homicide happens to a family, you might expect it to pull the family together. This is not always true. It is not unusual for counselors to see families separate, both physically and emotionally. At this time, communication is very important. Work hard to express your feelings within the family and with supportive friends.
Friends
When you hurt, you turn to people who have always been there, your friends. But where are they a month, six months or a year after the murder? Often, they have gone back to their lives, but you still need to talk.
If you bring up the homicide, some people will change the subject. Many people do not want to listen to the details of the tragedy, even though survivors often need to talk about details. People often can't bring themselves to talk about homicide. They may feel they do not have the words to say or the ability to listen. They may feel hopelessly inadequate. The loss of your loved one probably hit them with a stark reality. Perhaps, if it happened to you, it could happen to them.
You may notice that people you have known for years avoid you on the street or in a store. Your co-workers may avert their eyes and "not see you." They usually have no idea that this feels like rejection and only adds to your grief.
You can face this problem in various ways. You can write these friends off and stop seeing them.You can continue contact but avoid the subject you most need to discuss. You can raise the issue directly with your friends which may allow you to deal openly and honestly with each other. You can add to your circle of friends other people who have lost loved ones or who are willing to share your experience. Many people are ready to respond when they understand how importantit is to talk with you about the experience rather than avoid it.
Coping with Holidays
Holidays can be very difficult. They usually are an accumulation of traditions or customs created by families to be shared with family members. When a member of the family is no longer there to share a cherished tradition, the holiday can become a painful reminder instead of a time of joy.
The first time you celebrate a holiday after a death, it may become a nightmare. Holiday gifts that once were ripped open immediately may sit for days. Thanksgiving is hollow. ("What do I have to be thankful for?" shouts the survivor.) New Year's Day and birthdays, which celebrate another year of life, become reminders of death.
You may find the need to develop new traditions. For some, a trip out of town at holiday-time is beneficial. A birthday can be observed by donating to a charitable organization or doing something that is meaningful to you. There is no rule to follow on how to "get through" a holiday. You will grieve. Allow yourself time to grieve. It is a key part of the healing process.
Coping with the Criminal Justice System
Most victims are new to the workings of the criminal justice system. As you progress through the various stages, you may become angry and frustrated because your impressions of the justice system are false. People naturally want to see justice done swiftly so that they can heal from that part of the trauma. But the criminal justice system often seems to prolong people's grief.
For example, you may find that justice does not always prevail. Sometimes, the guilty are released on procedural grounds. Many homicide cases are never solved or do not result in convictions, even if the identity of the offender is known.
Sometimes, the only ones serving a "life sentence" are the victim and the victim's loved ones. Cases may drag on and on. Many cases never go to trial or take years for a conviction. If there is a conviction, it likely will be appealed, and a small fraction of cases find their way back to court for another trial.
Those who administer our laws, law officers, prosecutors, judges and others must deal every day with the most brutal crimes. Sometimes they build self-protective barriers that come across to victims as insensitivity.
To help you through this ordeal, seek out supportive friends, counselors or advocates.
Also remember that most state laws give survivors of homicide victims certain rights to information about pending cases and other assistance. Call the victim advocates in your state for a list of those rights. They are also available now to victims on Federal lands and properties.
Epilogue
The rest of your life is the epilogue. The widow of a homicide victim said recently, "My life has been permanently changed. I don't know who I am anymore." This is a common reaction for most homicide survivors.
Your life has changed.You will see things differently now. You may never again want to watch violence portrayed on TV. You may have to struggle with new or stronger prejudices for the rest of your life. You may feel irritated by "the little things" in life or incidents that once seemed to be a catastrophe will be only minor aggravations because you have already survived the worst.
Your faith may be shaken. You may find it impossible to trust strangers. You may feel that laws you thought were designed to protect you are really designed to protect criminals. You may wonder if the victim has any rights.
Most survivors slowly heal. Meaning comes back into their daily activities. They find people to stand by them and give them support. Some find sensitivity for others they never experienced before. Most find joy in the treasured memories of their loved ones. Many join others who want to carry on the vigil for all of those who have died as a result of violence.
This information was written by Polk County Victim Services, Des Moines, Iowa, based on material from Families and Friends of Missing Persons and Violent Crime Victims, of Seattle, Washington.
There were 24,849 murders in the United States in 2022, which equates to approximately 68 per day. {1}. Death of a loved one by violence is painful, unexpected and often senseless. As in all types of crises, survivors experience their loss in a variety of ways, but violent death always produces deep and bitter grief. Nothing could ever prepare a survivor for the day they find out that their loved one has been murdered. Death of a young person is always a shock because young people are supposed to grow old. The murder of an elderly person is always a shock because older people should die of natural causes, not at the hands of a violent criminal.
The cruelty of the act of murder compounds the sense of sorrow and loss for the survivor, and these feelings are exacerbated by the acute feelings of injustice, distrust and helplessness.
Survivors of homicide is a phrase used to describe those individuals who had special ties of kinship with the person murdered, and who were therefore victimized not only by the loss of someone close but also by the horrific circumstances of that untimely death. Survivors are usually thought of as family members or close friends, but at times, the term may include people with seemingly more distant relationships such as neighbors, schoolmates, and members of the community at large {2}.
BEREAVEMENT REACTIONS OF SURVIVORS
The common response to any extraordinary trauma is crisis. The long-term effect of the crisis is influenced by a number of objective and subjective factors, such as:
Obviously, learning of a loved one's murder is intense, sudden and beyond understanding. Therefore, most survivors face a long period of emotional struggle to reconstruct a devastated life.
Normal Bereavement Reaction
[Adapted from: The Center for Crime Victims and Survivors, Inc., Clearwater, Florida]
1. Shock and Numbness
2. Searching and Yearning
3. Disorientation and Disorganization
4. Reorganization (May take years after death of loved one, individual reactions are different in this phase.)
All of these phases may peak- on anniversary dates, birthdays, graduations or other significant dates in the family system. Many experience overlapping phases. Grief reaction is unique to the individual - each person experiences it differently and certainly not always in the order listed above.
Additional Stress Factors for Survivors
For many survivors, the strongest point of focus for their feelings is over the loss, and with this normal focal point of nearly all grieving, the normal mix of grieving emotions, including a guilt-inducing sense of anger at the person who died, is present. For those who cannot imagine life without that loved one, ideas of suicide are common.
For most survivors, the distress attributable to the murder itself is compounded by a number of other stressors:
Method of death notification - Often insensitive or incomplete because of the need of law enforcement to get on with the investigation.
Impact on other life changes - There may already be other problems among survivors, such as, divorce,unemployment, and illness, which become intensified.
Unwanted and untimely demands - Such things as, identification of the body, funeral arrangements, medical or ambulance bills, notification of family and friends, etc.
Necessary role changes -Perhaps the murdered loved one handled all the finances and business of thehome, or the child rearing. Perhaps a son now has to become "the man ofthe house."
Financial stress - This is especially true when the victim was the sole or primary source of income. Medical and funeral expenses become a factor as well.
Misguided compassion - Those who turn to religion often hear such statements as, "It was God's will," "Your loved one is better off in Heaven," - etc. These often alienate the survivor not only from the person speaking but from their faith. Some survivors report that they are advised to "forgive the murderer" or "pray for his redemption. - Such advice is not only infuriating but painful to hear {3}
ENDNOTES
{1} https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/homicide.htm
{2} National Organization for Victim Assistance. (October 1985). Survivors of Homicide Victims. NOVA Network Information Bulletin. Washington, DC: Author, p.1.
{3} Delaplane, David. (1988). Victim Assistance: A Manual. Sacramento, CA: The Spiritual Dimension in Victim Services, p.143.
Arraignment - The initial court appearance of the offender, held for the purpose of having him or her enter a plea to the charge.
Assistant State Attorney - An attorney empowered to prosecute criminal cases on behalf of the State.
Bond - Bond is generally required only to assure a defendant's appearance in Court. The amount will vary depending upon the seriousness of the charge and the offender's past criminal record, if any.
Court Deputy - A duly appointed officer of the Court.
Change of Plea- The act of changing one's plea.
Continuance - The act of postponing a scheduled court date.
Victims Compensation - A State-funded program designed to reimburse qualified victims.
Defendant - The person who has been charged with committing a crime.
Felony - A crime that is punishable in excess of one year of imprisonment.
Guilty Plea - Admitting responsibility for the criminal act.
Judge - A duly elected official presiding over court cases and determining sentence.
Jury - A group ofcitizens selected to determine guilt or innocence of the defendant in a court proceeding.
Misdemeanor - An offense punishable by a year or less in jail.
Not Guilty Plea - A denial of responsibility for the criminal charge.
Probation - A specified period of supervision by a probation officer.
Public Defender - A Court-appointed attorney assigned to represent a defendant who cannot afford private counsel.
Restitution - A sentence imposed by the Court requiring the defendant to pay for the victim's monetary loss dueto the crime.
Sentencing - The judgment of a Court concerning the defendant's punishment.
Testimony - Statements made in Court by witnesses who are under oath.
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